033. [Text]

[explosivecombat]

The standard example of existential anguish is said to be standing on the edge of a cliff or other high place; there inevitably comes a moment in most self-aware individuals where they experience the realization that not only do they fear falling to their death, but there's nothing stopping them from throwing themselves off. I've always found it strange that a moment of experiencing true freedom like that would be considered distressing rather than a relief; knowing that there's nothing holding me back - that I am in full control of my own choices, whether it's to stand perfectly still or throw myself off - and there is nothing pre-written into whatever it is that I am that will dictate what I do either way is something I've always found calming.

It begs the question, however - do we choose our fears, and more importantly, do we choose how we respond to them?

If nothing is predetermined and everything about our lives comes down to choice, it makes sense to me that our fears also have to come down to choice, whether consciously or not. The part I'm not entirely sure of is the response.

For example, if one is attacked by some sort of animal, it makes sense that one would fear that animal. However, the response to animal attacks tend to vary - some will try to minimize their contact with that sort of animal as much as they can, while others will immerse themselves in it and attempt to desensitize themselves. Is there a particular thing that predetermines what choice a person is going to make?

I'm curious about your thoughts on it; you don't have to detail what fears you have and how you handle them, though if you would like to that might be helpful. I'm more interested in whether you think this sort of thing comes down to ingrained personality - something more inherent, I suppose - or personal choice, and whether such a thing can be changed.

Answer me anonymously if you wish; as always, your response is of more interest to me than your identity, and quite frankly I'm not in the mood to judge either way.

(As for the existential anguish, I've found over the years that I get the greatest satisfaction from neither the thought of staying put, nor the thought of throwing myself off - I've always enjoyed the notion that if I stand on the edge long enough, perhaps someone will act on their compulsion to put their hands against my back and shove.)

Comments

[of course]

[explosivecombat]

I was asking for that first bit, wasn't I?

It's just something I think about from time to time, though; I have quite a few topics I revisit once in a while. The concept of fear is one that's been driving at me a bit lately; there are things that may have brought it on, true, but I've...

[And he actually stops himself, and he looks at that, and...well.]

Ah, I'm doing it again, aren't I - not answering the question, instead circling around it and making you ask.

Some of my former employers have shown up recently. That family I've told you about in the past. It's unpleasant for me, in some ways.

[doitrockapella]

[...Well, what do you know.]

That's a lot of people you know turning up lately, isn't it? First Fullmetal, and now the family.

They haven't tried to hire you on again, have they?

[explosivecombat]

They haven't, and it's not the full set; believe me, it would be obvious if it were all of them, just due to numbers.

[doitrockapella]

...What about the one you had the falling-out with? Is he here?

[explosivecombat]

He isn't.

The last time we had an influx of people from Amestris, however, he was among them.

[doitrockapella]

Which ones are?

Or don't indulge my curiosity if you'd rather not, but sooner or later I'm going to ask what it is that's got you worried, so.

[explosivecombat]

One is a guess, but I'm rarely wrong about these things - I heard the daughter over the network a while ago. I didn't respond to her, but I'm fairly certain it was her.

I also mentioned that there's one that I hadn't met; he's here now. I've told you before that the situation with Amestris is complicated - he's familiar with that other version of myself that I've mentioned. The psychopath.

I wouldn't say that I'm worried, per se; there are just more things on my mind than usual. Thinking about the situation has brought other thoughts to the forefront that I'm not particularly partial to.

[doitrockapella]

Well, that's relevant to my interests. If I'm remembering correctly, this means I apparently have a doppelganger about.

(It goes without saying, but still bears repeating, that I'll make the time to talk with you if there's something bothering you.)

[explosivecombat]

Remembering correctly indeed - assuming that it's the same person I'm familiar with, or at least that there's nothing jarringly different in her appearance between worlds.

[...that said, he has no idea what to do with that latter part, so. Um.]

[doitrockapella]

[You know, given that this is approximately the nine hundredth time he's casually avoided responding to something like that, she's actually noticing the trend here. Finally. AFTER MANY AGES OF CONCERTED STUDY.]

Are they people I should stay away from? In your professional opinion.

[explosivecombat]

Do as you like. They're a bit on the unusual side, but they shouldn't be a threat here.

[doitrockapella]

You realize that "do as you like" doesn't really respond to the question asked, you know.

But I'll keep that in mind.

[explosivecombat]

Well, if I thought that you should stay away from them, I would say so.

[doitrockapella]

I know. Most of the time the answer really lies in what you haven't said, not in what you have.

It's just amusing, considering how you called yourself on circling around things once already, earlier.

[explosivecombat]

That was just getting counterproductive.

[doitrockapella]

When you've had your fill of hearing about people's fears, I have an alternative suggestion for how you might stay entertained today.

[explosivecombat]

Go on.

[doitrockapella]

Remember that toy Caroline put together for me?

[explosivecombat]

...I do, yes.

[doitrockapella]

You could see if they fit.

And then find yourself a precipice.

[explosivecombat]

As long as you're willing to push me off.

[doitrockapella]

I can't honestly say it'd be the first time I've contemplated it.

[explosivecombat]

If the feeling weren't mutual I may have had to be mildly offended. However...

[doitrockapella]

Does that mean you're willing to return the favor?

[explosivecombat]

It would be rather rude to do otherwise.