explosivecombat | 033. [Text]

033. [Text]

The standard example of existential anguish is said to be standing on the edge of a cliff or other high place; there inevitably comes a moment in most self-aware individuals where they experience the realization that not only do they fear falling to their death, but there's nothing stopping them from throwing themselves off. I've always found it strange that a moment of experiencing true freedom like that would be considered distressing rather than a relief; knowing that there's nothing holding me back - that I am in full control of my own choices, whether it's to stand perfectly still or throw myself off - and there is nothing pre-written into whatever it is that I am that will dictate what I do either way is something I've always found calming.

It begs the question, however - do we choose our fears, and more importantly, do we choose how we respond to them?

If nothing is predetermined and everything about our lives comes down to choice, it makes sense to me that our fears also have to come down to choice, whether consciously or not. The part I'm not entirely sure of is the response.

For example, if one is attacked by some sort of animal, it makes sense that one would fear that animal. However, the response to animal attacks tend to vary - some will try to minimize their contact with that sort of animal as much as they can, while others will immerse themselves in it and attempt to desensitize themselves. Is there a particular thing that predetermines what choice a person is going to make?

I'm curious about your thoughts on it; you don't have to detail what fears you have and how you handle them, though if you would like to that might be helpful. I'm more interested in whether you think this sort of thing comes down to ingrained personality - something more inherent, I suppose - or personal choice, and whether such a thing can be changed.

Answer me anonymously if you wish; as always, your response is of more interest to me than your identity, and quite frankly I'm not in the mood to judge either way.

(As for the existential anguish, I've found over the years that I get the greatest satisfaction from neither the thought of staying put, nor the thought of throwing myself off - I've always enjoyed the notion that if I stand on the edge long enough, perhaps someone will act on their compulsion to put their hands against my back and shove.)

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We fear what we fear.

Some of it probably does have to come down to personality, because I'm certain that there are people out there who overcome their fears or whatever. There's also probably some amount of predestination involved that is merely leading a person to the inevitable conclusion that comes with their personality.

I'll be honest, though-- I'm probably not the best person to answer this question because I fear very little, but I've enjoyed our past conversations.

Replying to me just because you'd like to speak to me, then?

You really are a flatterer.

You haven't seemed to mind yet.

In any case, I do have my own set of fears but they come from what I am specifically. I can't speak for others like me but there is a set pattern to them anyway from what I've seen.

Perhaps I see no reason why I should.

Ah, but that's neither here nor there, is it - are you planning on elaborating, or are you going to leave it up to my imagination?

[And cutting to private because he sees Envy up there.]

In my case, nothingness is a fear above everything else. Having nothing. Being unable even have the opportunity to have anything at all.

It's not even so much that I fear death, which I don't, which might be sort of funny I guess since death is also ultimately nothing in the end. We homunculi have a funny relationship with death, actually. I might tell you more about that later. I'm fairly certain it's not one we share with the versions of us you know at any rate.

My fear of nothingness is what made being sealed away so damning at any rate and she did that knowing it was the only thing that I can say honestly terrifies me.

I see what you mean, then. I can't say that I understand, because I did spend quite a long time in solitary confinement; nothingness is more or less the point there, though in fairness it wasn't quite a complete sealing, either - for some reason it's acceptable to lock people in a box for 23.5 hours per day, but a full twenty-four is inhumane.

I won't say that I fear nothing, but I can't say I fear anything that most seem to; the basic fears that humans are supposedly born with are falling and loud noises, and I fear neither. I don't tend to fear most things that humans do, honestly; while I see nothing wrong with that, I'm aware that it's abnormal and I'm curious about the experience.

[Well now that is interesting because there were definitely things that Kimbley feared.]

I'm honestly in no position to judge what's abnormal or not so I can't hold that against you.

In my case, it starts with a bit of a backstory. The reason I was sealed away, besides the obvious I was about to rebel answer, was because I walked into an array created specifically for me. There are ways to weaken a homunculus and naturally the master knows the ways.

So I was sealed away in a small room under the fifth laboratory using the imperfect, liquified Philosopher's Stone to keep me there. Kind of a stupid move in the long run because completing the Stone would have freed me if the explosion hadn't shattered the array.

I'm Greed. I'm a pretty easy person to please when you get right down to it. Having nothing goes against my very being. It runs counter to everything that I am and everything that I believe.

The easiest way to explain it, I think, would probably be when you first got here and realized you didn't have your alchemy.

[It's a stab in the dark but it's the only comparison he can think of.]

[...Ah.

It's the sort of thing that Kimblee has a lot of thoughts about, and also the sort of thing that he doesn't talk about if it can be avoided; fortunately enough, as much as he generally lives most of his life out according to the law of Equivalent Exchange, it's not something he adheres to conversationally. Just because Greed seems perfectly content to discuss these things doesn't mean he has to, and it'd be rude to change the subject anyway.

And besides, he likes getting deets and so deets he shall continue to obtain. So just...let him touch on that a bit and promptly go back to ignoring it, if you don't mind, good sir.]

That circumstance is possibly the closest I've gotten to understanding the existential issue I mentioned earlier - it wasn't frightening to me so much as it was disturbing, as though there was some sort of fundamental wrongness to it, but I think I have some understanding of what you mean.

...That's likely my problem with understanding this concept as a whole, though, now that I think about it - I find plenty of things to be disturbing or mildly alarming, but almost nothing so extensive as to constitute a distinct fear.

[...huh. That certainly is a thought that just happened; he's going to file that one away for later, moving right along...]

It sounds as though your master rather had it out for you - was there a particular reason for it, outside of the abovementioned going-rogue issue?

Maybe you're better off without having such easily exploited fears. It might get people to balk or to otherwise react in a negative fashion but I'm honestly not sure that's a bad thing.

[Ohh we're reaching personal questions he doesn't really want to answer. How to word this without giving too much away.]

Back when it happened, there were only the three of us-- Envy, Pride, and myself. Pride was a newborn and the previous Lust had died only a few decades before so she was a bit short of help, I suppose you could say.

There had been a time when I was loyal so I think my changing my mind on things made it clear she wasn't going to get her way with me in the picture. Why I wasn't outright killed is something I can't answer because I don't know.

[...lord, Greed, what did you even do.]

I see - hell hath no fury indeed.

[He's not even going to say. You don't get to know, sorry. And he knows better than to keep on chatting about this because then he'd probably end up accidentally saying it and then everything would be awful forever.]

In any event the loss of the fifth laboratory was a huge blow to her and I didn't even have anything to do with it.

[He honestly never goes into these conversations expecting to hear anything of value; he's just consistently pleasantly surprised when he does. So really, it's not like he's going to press - and besides, the Homunculi have their own internal politics, and he knows better than to get involved with those. They tend to turn ugly, if nothing else.]

I'm sure.

Tell me about this relationship with death you mentioned, if you don't mind?

To explain that fully involves telling you about how we're born. I've spoken to Elric; I know the process is completely different even if I'm not sure how it happens in your world entirely.

I'm, of course, entirely willingly to tell you about that fact but it would be awkward letting on you know about it to Envy.

He's explained some things rather vaguely to me - you're created via alchemy, for one thing. You apparently eat what he refers to as incomplete Philosopher's Stones, for another.

We're created via alchemy, that much is true. As is the second part. But he left out the most vital part: we're created when a person tries to bypass natural law and raise the dead.

...So instead of the shrieking sack of organs, human transmutation produces you.

[...eloquent, Kimblee.]

No, you still get shrieking sacks of organs.

It's the incomplete Stones that gives us human form.

We're completely sentient from the moment of creation, for the record.

[Just. Casually talking about eating human souls here. No big deal.]

That's simultaneously fascinating and completely disgusting.

[...glass houses on the soul-eating, though...]

I'm not sure how the master came across this information, at least when it comes to the red stones, but Envy was the first one of us created. Unfortunately it's not my place to tell that story, so we'll have to go with my own experience on the matter.

Homunculi tend to retain some of the memories of the person who died. Badly fragmented memories, and the ones I have that I can identify as memories I can count on one hand, but they're there. The memories are out of context and hard to explain and it's only because I've been alive for a long time that I can explain what mine mean.

If you asked a younger one of our group they would probably be unable to explain or understand what they're remembering.

What we all remember for certain though is either the moment of death or very close to it. The man whose face I wear was murdered, for instance. I remember that very clearly.

And you said death is ultimately nothing, correct? You have no memories of an afterlife or anything.

It depends what you mean by nothing.

I remember the inside of the Gate but strictly speaking I don't think those are the memories of the man I look like. It's not even a memory so much as a feeling, really. Of being surrounded by darkness and wanting out. There's no "something" in that, so it's "nothing" for me. But I also don't think there was any sense of self attached to that wanting.

If there's an afterlife for human souls I have no memory of it.

[So basically it's purgatory as explained by a horrifically drunk person. Got it.]

I don't either, for what it's worth.

I'm inclined to believe that it means there isn't one.

[But then again Greed has a very conflicting outlook on death so here's to cynicism.]

I have my own thoughts on the matter; I don't think there's an afterlife, per se, but I don't think that life just stops, either.

I wouldn't mind hearing it, if you'd be willing to share.

[Because hey let's divert the topic from what Greed was originally going to say because he's not so sure he wants to talk about it anymore.]

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