033. [Text]

[explosivecombat]

The standard example of existential anguish is said to be standing on the edge of a cliff or other high place; there inevitably comes a moment in most self-aware individuals where they experience the realization that not only do they fear falling to their death, but there's nothing stopping them from throwing themselves off. I've always found it strange that a moment of experiencing true freedom like that would be considered distressing rather than a relief; knowing that there's nothing holding me back - that I am in full control of my own choices, whether it's to stand perfectly still or throw myself off - and there is nothing pre-written into whatever it is that I am that will dictate what I do either way is something I've always found calming.

It begs the question, however - do we choose our fears, and more importantly, do we choose how we respond to them?

If nothing is predetermined and everything about our lives comes down to choice, it makes sense to me that our fears also have to come down to choice, whether consciously or not. The part I'm not entirely sure of is the response.

For example, if one is attacked by some sort of animal, it makes sense that one would fear that animal. However, the response to animal attacks tend to vary - some will try to minimize their contact with that sort of animal as much as they can, while others will immerse themselves in it and attempt to desensitize themselves. Is there a particular thing that predetermines what choice a person is going to make?

I'm curious about your thoughts on it; you don't have to detail what fears you have and how you handle them, though if you would like to that might be helpful. I'm more interested in whether you think this sort of thing comes down to ingrained personality - something more inherent, I suppose - or personal choice, and whether such a thing can be changed.

Answer me anonymously if you wish; as always, your response is of more interest to me than your identity, and quite frankly I'm not in the mood to judge either way.

(As for the existential anguish, I've found over the years that I get the greatest satisfaction from neither the thought of staying put, nor the thought of throwing myself off - I've always enjoyed the notion that if I stand on the edge long enough, perhaps someone will act on their compulsion to put their hands against my back and shove.)

Comments

[zero_charisma]

That's the point of being a soldier though, ain't it? You do as you're told, no questions asked. S'why I stayed out of the army. Hardly any challenge picking off cocky ankle biters what thinkin' they're gonna lead the bloody calvary to victory anyway.

You a mercenary?

[explosivecombat]

You would be surprised by how many in the army fail at even that. Several I knew took orders they didn't like as some sort of personal slight and did a splendid job of victimizing and otherwise feeling sorry for themselves.

[Granted, they were orders to completely eradicate an entire race of people, but they were still orders.]

As for myself...well, back home I was under the direct employ of our nation's leader and his family, but "mercenary" describes what I was doing fairly well.

[zero_charisma]

Some people just aren't meant for the job. You're in the wrong business if you ain't got the stomach to pull the trigger.

[No mercy from Sniper either.]

Figured as much. The rank and file aren't the ones who go off blabbering about falling from high cliffs.

[explosivecombat]

Of course - it's a soldier's job to kill others, first and foremost, whether it's in the name of defending one's country or otherwise. If you aren't willing to kill others, don't put yourself in a position in which it's more or less required.

Generally speaking, of course.

As for the rest...am I to assume you have some experience with mercenary work yourself, then? Given your disdain for the rank and file and all.

[zero_charisma]

I don't disrespect'em. I jus' think they're blithering idiots, but it isn't any of my business how they choose to live or die. Most of'em haven't a clue on what they've signed up on until there's a bullet cracking their heads open.

Mate, I don't just have some experience. I'm the best sniper there is in the business.