explosivecombat | NIETZSCHE; DEAD PHILOSOPHERS' INBOX

All right. This is the harder part to get through, so I'm going to ask again that you be patient with me. I haven't been wording things well this evening already, and there's a chance it'll happen again. Please just tell me if that happens, and let me try again; I'm not trying to justify anything I did or make excuses after the fact. I just need your help in working through this.

You've told me before that you're not fond of people who compromise their beliefs. That one of the reasons why you like me is because I have my beliefs and I stick to them.

Which is the bigger transgression in your eyes? Conceding a position without a fight rather than sticking to it because I believe in it...or having a position that you find repulsive and trying to defend it?

I know that's not directly on point for this specific situation, and I'm not trying to suggest it is. It just...seems as though there's no way to come out of a situation like that unscathed. If the way to extinguish a fight — once it's begun, mind, because obviously the way to avoid it entirely is to never let it begin in the first place — is to concede quickly...how does that fit in with keeping one's strength of conviction?

Does that...as a problem, does that make sense?

It does, yes, but I don't quite understand what the point of it is and I think I'm missing something - why would you concede your position so quickly?

To stop the fight.

So you'd stop being furious.

It's a greater transgression to concede.

That's what I thought.

Then what do I do, in a situation where I've made you angry like this past one? Again, aside from not getting into it in the first place; we're assuming I'm imperfect, and make mistakes, as I do.

There has to be something I'm missing, or else it comes down to, "If I defend myself, I'm in for it, but if I don't it'll be worse." Where is the distinction that I'm not seeing?

Please. I'm not being sarcastic, I promise.

...This is what I'm not understanding, I think - what do you believe will happen if we fight?

You'll scream at me awhile, I'll come away from it feeling miserable and wretched...I might run the risk of having you so disgusted with me that you decide we're through or I'm not worth your time...

...

Please don't say, "That wouldn't benefit me so I'm not likely to do it."

Near the end of the Ishval Civil War, I was transferred to the Kanda district; outside of the usual orders to level the place, I was also tasked with finding a pair of Amestrian doctors who had stayed behind when our people were ordered to leave the area. By the time my unit found them, they were already dead, having been killed by Ishvalans; however, it wasn't the militia that killed them.

It turned out they had been administering aid to both our military and as many injured Ishvalans as they were capable of treating; they were eventually killed by their own patients.

My men were quick to insult them, to say that they had it coming to them for aiding the other side, and I suppose that objectively speaking that's true - their deaths wouldn't have occurred if they'd followed orders, after all. And by now I'm sure you know my stance on Ishvalans.

But at the same time, while I find their particular actions and convictions to be questionable and I don't agree with them in the least, I still respect them for standing by them and refusing to back down. It's an admirable thing, and regardless of what I thought about their stances, I didn't find them to be repulsive.

My thoughts on your convictions aren't necessarily my thoughts on you.

You told me that's where you were going. The Kanda district...I remember that.

Can I ask you the same thing in return? What do you believe will happen if we fight?

I've never really thought about it.

I'm not saying that to avoid the question; it's a genuine answer.

What I'm afraid of is that I'll...learn.

That I'll end up dreading the possibility of being taken to task so much that I will start conceding just to escape it. Because I'll have learned that conceding will just make it stop. It's not something I'm proud of contemplating, but...

Isn't that what she was like? That other version of me you met? Desperate to please, afraid to...do anything.

If it happened to her, it's not unreasonable that it could happen to me. I don't think it would be intentional; I just...don't think it's impossible, either. The fact that it's not impossible...that scares me.

You keep mentioning being taken to task as though it's the worst possible thing that I can do to you. Any particular reason?

I think it's because it's still on my mind, and I'm still shaken. And I hate feeling this way, so I'm fixating on trying to stop it.

You realize that I'm only going to continue doing it if you keep doing things that warrant it. Manipulating me warrants it. If you're going to require this tremendous double standard to be a large part of how you're going to interact with me - this notion that you can manipulate me all you like and I should just accept it, while even if I catch myself before I manipulate you and stop myself from doing it, it's still completely unacceptable and you're going to treat me as you did last time - then this isn't something you want to pursue.

I'm not trying to be accusatory, but hypocrisy is unspeakably ugly to me and that's something I'm not going to be able to tolerate. That's what this comes down to.

Of course I realize it's going to keep happening. I'm ashamed of it. Every time it comes up, it's another hard look into the ugliest things about me, and my utter failure to do something about it. Who likes hearing something like that, regardless of whether or not they deserve it?

I'm not seeking to be accusatory, either, and this is a hard question to ask without implications of guilt and manipulation following it, so the best I can do is ask you to believe me when I say that I'm not saying it to seek favors, or to suggest anything, or to imply anything more than what's contained in the words themselves.

But do you realize that I can't let go of the things I feel during a fight like that the minute it ends, the way you can? They stay with me, and linger, and they drag me further and further down into misery. The hurt is like anger; you said it struck you as strange, that that's how it is for others. Did you know that's how it is for me?

...Something about the way you're wording this has made me realize that I think what's been bothering me, over the course of this entire conversation, comes down to this: You consistently call me a psychopath, and on several occasions you've seemed to take a great amount of satisfaction in doing so.

Why, then, are you so surprised that I think like one?

Edited 2014-01-11 04:47 (UTC)

...

Is that...rhetorical, or did you want me to try to...

The question is rhetorical, but this is more or less why I'm exceedingly confused.

I say it so often because you make it easy to forget. I can tell you that much.

That doesn't answer the main point of the question, though, does it.

It was rhetorical.

There are certain things I try to focus on in particular. You're fond of me; you find aspects of me admirable. You like me enough to want to see me unharmed, and make attempts at making me feel better when you've picked up on the fact that I'm upset — even when you might not understand why, and often when you must find it almost unbearably awkward to try to arrive at a course of action that will work.

Somewhere in the penumbra of the sum of those things...it could follow that my feelings might affect you. Not because I used them against you, but because it was a decision you made on your own.

You don't act toward me like the others did. That has something to do with it, too. It's not just that you're charming, it's that you're...different.

...Locke, why are you doing this in the first place?

I'm honestly curious.

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