NIETZSCHE; DEAD PHILOSOPHERS' INBOX

[explosivecombat]

[TEXT; LOCKED TO doitrockapella]

The offer for conversation is always open, should you desire to take me up on it; I can't guarantee that I'll respond immediately, nor will it necessarily be the response you want, but I'll always respond in some way.

In the name of enlightened discourse.

Comments

[doitrockapella]

What I'm afraid of is that I'll...learn.

That I'll end up dreading the possibility of being taken to task so much that I will start conceding just to escape it. Because I'll have learned that conceding will just make it stop. It's not something I'm proud of contemplating, but...

Isn't that what she was like? That other version of me you met? Desperate to please, afraid to...do anything.

If it happened to her, it's not unreasonable that it could happen to me. I don't think it would be intentional; I just...don't think it's impossible, either. The fact that it's not impossible...that scares me.

[explosivecombat]

You keep mentioning being taken to task as though it's the worst possible thing that I can do to you. Any particular reason?

[doitrockapella]

I think it's because it's still on my mind, and I'm still shaken. And I hate feeling this way, so I'm fixating on trying to stop it.

[explosivecombat]

You realize that I'm only going to continue doing it if you keep doing things that warrant it. Manipulating me warrants it. If you're going to require this tremendous double standard to be a large part of how you're going to interact with me - this notion that you can manipulate me all you like and I should just accept it, while even if I catch myself before I manipulate you and stop myself from doing it, it's still completely unacceptable and you're going to treat me as you did last time - then this isn't something you want to pursue.

I'm not trying to be accusatory, but hypocrisy is unspeakably ugly to me and that's something I'm not going to be able to tolerate. That's what this comes down to.

[doitrockapella]

Of course I realize it's going to keep happening. I'm ashamed of it. Every time it comes up, it's another hard look into the ugliest things about me, and my utter failure to do something about it. Who likes hearing something like that, regardless of whether or not they deserve it?

I'm not seeking to be accusatory, either, and this is a hard question to ask without implications of guilt and manipulation following it, so the best I can do is ask you to believe me when I say that I'm not saying it to seek favors, or to suggest anything, or to imply anything more than what's contained in the words themselves.

But do you realize that I can't let go of the things I feel during a fight like that the minute it ends, the way you can? They stay with me, and linger, and they drag me further and further down into misery. The hurt is like anger; you said it struck you as strange, that that's how it is for others. Did you know that's how it is for me?

[explosivecombat]

...Something about the way you're wording this has made me realize that I think what's been bothering me, over the course of this entire conversation, comes down to this: You consistently call me a psychopath, and on several occasions you've seemed to take a great amount of satisfaction in doing so.

Why, then, are you so surprised that I think like one?

[doitrockapella]

...

Is that...rhetorical, or did you want me to try to...

[explosivecombat]

The question is rhetorical, but this is more or less why I'm exceedingly confused.

[doitrockapella]

I say it so often because you make it easy to forget. I can tell you that much.

[explosivecombat]

That doesn't answer the main point of the question, though, does it.

[doitrockapella]

It was rhetorical.

There are certain things I try to focus on in particular. You're fond of me; you find aspects of me admirable. You like me enough to want to see me unharmed, and make attempts at making me feel better when you've picked up on the fact that I'm upset — even when you might not understand why, and often when you must find it almost unbearably awkward to try to arrive at a course of action that will work.

Somewhere in the penumbra of the sum of those things...it could follow that my feelings might affect you. Not because I used them against you, but because it was a decision you made on your own.

You don't act toward me like the others did. That has something to do with it, too. It's not just that you're charming, it's that you're...different.

[explosivecombat]

...Locke, why are you doing this in the first place?

I'm honestly curious.