Solf J Kimblee (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
explosivecombat) wrote2012-10-04 01:10 am
explosivecombat) wrote2012-10-04 01:10 am
Entry tags:
NIETZSCHE; DEAD PHILOSOPHERS' INBOX
doitrockapella]The offer for conversation is always open, should you desire to take me up on it; I can't guarantee that I'll respond immediately, nor will it necessarily be the response you want, but I'll always respond in some way.
In the name of enlightened discourse.
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That was unfair.
That was entirely unfair and uncalled for, and you have my apologies for it. It's been...difficult, lately, and I'm on-edge.
I would prefer to have this discussed properly than sprung on me later. Things like this tend to build and the consequences just get more and more unpleasant the longer it's allowed to continue.
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...
Wait.
...
What?]
Do you want to tell me what's been difficult, or would it be better if we stayed with trying to resolve this bit of things first?
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What I'm struggling with right now, on a personal level, is that I want to be angry at something because I'm upset about what happened, and it's hard to be upset without a target. I don't like to be sad; I like to do things because it makes me feel less helpless to be doing something, and anger is easier than sadness in some small way because anger at least can be channeled toward something.
That's what I'm feeling. Upset, first and foremost, and the temptation is to turn it into anger because then at least I'd know...what to do with it.
But I also know it's unfair to take it out on you. Maybe I'm upset with myself for being helpless. There's a part of my conscience that inherently rebels at things like this, and the fact that I'm not screaming at you and making things into a stark black-and-white dichotomy means I'm struggling with my own morality, as well. And it would be so easy to just take all of that out on you, irrationally, unfairly, because it would make myself feel a little better to do it in the short term for selfish, petty reasons.
I'm trying to be better than that, and to practice what I've learned from you. It isn't easy going, but I'm trying. This is what I was getting at when I asked if you'd end up finding me intolerable.
You're the only one I have to talk about things like this to — I can't very well call someone else and say, "I'm having a moral crisis because I know who committed this attack today, and it's someone I care about, and I'm struggling with the fact that I hate the crime but care for the criminal." But I know that doing that puts you in a position where you're either going to approach anything I'm saying rationally, because that's what you do, or you're left wondering what I expect you to do about it, like there's some implicit demand I'm expecting you to live up to. And often I feel caught between trying to spare you from that and being directly asked to tell you what I'm thinking, when I know what I'm thinking is irrational and seeking empathy instead of answers. And it's...difficult.
I'm still not expecting answers. I think this will pass on its own, sooner or later — it's not something that's likely to develop into a grudge or a tool to use against you in the future, I don't think. It's just...I'm sad. I don't like being sad, and right now I don't know how to fix that, either.
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Ideally speaking, you would want to tell me to stop, and you would want me to understand exactly how sad this is making you and how helpless you feel, and if I didn't stop doing things like this simply because it's wrong to do things like this, I would stop doing it on your behalf because you don't like feeling sad and helpless. That's what you mean when you say you want to tell me to stop but can't, isn't it?
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Ideally speaking I wouldn't feel sad and helpless, yes. Ideally speaking I'd also know how to do that. But at the moment, I don't — other than to give it time, and hope for the best.
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...
It's not something that he can put into words, exactly, but it's the same sort of pervasive sense that wouldn't leave him during the battle in that dream they'd all shared. The knowledge that he could fight competently or stay alive or protect Archer, and he could really only pick two options and he'd been unable to work out why at the time but he'd ended up choosing the latter two.
It's unpleasant. He doesn't like it. He'll hate himself for acting on it.
But he looks at that and he can see what's wrong with it (also, really, thanks to Archer) and while he doesn't think he'll hate himself more if he doesn't act on it, he can't say he'll like the potential consequences either. He doesn't even know what those are; it's possible they won't be unpleasant. But that damn thought pattern won't go away, either.
To put it another way, that radio is risking becoming very, very loud.]
And if I rephrase those words, would you see the same thing?
If someone were to say the following to you: "I don't care what you think or feel right now, because I want to get my way. You feel things that I don't, but I understand how your feelings work so I'm going to use those feelings to render it such that I can always be right and you will always be wrong, because you can't help how you feel and I don't care about the topic of the argument - this is a logical battle for me, not an emotional one, and I am very, very good at winning. I like making people think their feelings are defects, not natural processes, because that way they are always flawed and I am implicitly perfect.
And right now, I'm constructing a scenario where it's never acceptable for you to feel anything negative about me, because to do so would be wrong."
If someone were to directly say that to you, would you be the manipulative person in that scenario, or would they?
I need time away from this discussion; I'll contact you tomorrow, and I'll likely be avoidant about this. Don't allow me to be, should you still want to talk.
1/2
hits her
and]
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Goodbye, Nietzsche.