explosivecombat | NIETZSCHE; DEAD PHILOSOPHERS' INBOX

My superior officer just deflects statements like that with replies such as "Of course, but you're different," in that way that implies he wishes I weren't; he found the way I am to be horribly creepy at the beginning, as I've heard him say as much, though I get the impression that by this point he just finds it somewhat sad. My significant other tends to say similar things - "you're different" - but in his case it seems more that he's accepted it. He seems a bit resigned, maybe, but not pitying.

The others have all either pitied me and wanted to "fix" it, or they've decided that I'm enough of a monster to not want to bother. It's interesting to see what people do with it; there's only been one other person who's asked - one of the Sage's sons. I was closer to him than the rest; we discussed things like this sometimes.

Is that the one you had the falling-out with? The one who asked?

No. That was someone else entirely; there were six sons total. I got on well with one of them. I answered directly to the second; he usually gave me my orders. Two were too stupid to really be worth my time; I never met the fifth. The sixth was the one I had the falling-out with.

And the last was the daughter, who I look like.

I'm still working out what I think of the way you are, you know, but it's changed over the course of our relationship. For what that's worth.

Is that so?

You can't just say something like that and not elaborate, you know.

I want to believe that it's not beyond your capacity, to change. We've talked some about that, before — or something fairly like it, anyway — and it's not...a question of "not trying hard enough", exactly. I think it's more just that I'm idealistic enough to believe that it's within the realm of possibility for everyone, no matter who they are or what their circumstances might be. Maybe it's not change the way I'd dictate it, or the way your superior would, or anyone else would. But I think that if being more human than you perceive yourself as being were something you wanted, then you could find a way to have it, sooner or later, in some way, shape, or form.

But that's you. It's not for me to decide, or to sigh over. Of course there are times when I wish you were different — with the way you act, it's only natural, and to be expected. But there's a difference between encouraging you toward something you want for yourself and pressuring you into something you don't, and maybe that's where the people who've tried to fix you have run into trouble — they assume you want to be different, and aim to "help", without stopping to ask whether the assumption they're operating on is a sound one. I know that firsthand; it's taken me this long to think to ask it myself.

I don't think it's that I pity you, or that I'm sad about you, or even that I'm resigned to you; at least, that's not how it is the majority of the time, though I'm sure I have my moments. But you operate in a way that's hard to adjust to, because I have to start from scratch and make sure I'm not resting on any assumptions, even the most seemingly basic ones, before I can try to get anywhere with you. And I'll make my mistakes and you'll get offended; that's just a given. But I'm...learning. Little by little, I'm learning, and I can tell that the process is changing me because of it.

There was a point where I thought I might like you better if you were different. But now I've met you when you were different, and there were some things I liked better, it's true. But to have him instead of you? I can't imagine being happy with that for long. Which is surprising, considering how frequently you've annoyed me and I've caught myself wishing you weren't like that as a passing whim.

I don't know if I could be happy being the way that you are, and we both know I sometimes...frequently...have problems seeing things from any other point of view than that of my own experiences. But if you're content with it, then it's my job to adjust to whatever that is; it's not yours to change to accommodate me.